Elite Daily| What is the dating game, you ask? Well, you probably know it all too well. It’s the game of “let’s see who can try to act like they care less in order to get someone else to care more and then take turns.” It’s the blurred line between how casual you are and what title you
1. If you like someone, don’t pretend you don’t.
If the person then runs for the hills, ask yourself what the point was for investing any further emotion, anyway?
2. GO ON DATES.
They aren’t an extinct practice. Going to the movies with someone doesn’t mean you’re signing a marriage license. It’s for fun, you guys.
3. Don’t use your past relationships as a crutch that enables you to fear commitment.
We have all had relationships that failed. If you use those problems to justify your twisted actions in every future romantic encounter, you will waste many potentially successful relationships.
4. Don’t alter what you want.
If you want a relationship and someone else doesn’t, don’t settle for his or her sake. That would be like playing a board game without getting to roll your own dice.
5. Stop caring about what people will think.
The connotations that surround dating and relationships are so blurred and disfigured at this point that you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how to please everyone.
6. Quit using people.
Don’t use others for the way they make you look to other people. Don’t use them for physical reasons. Don’t use them because you’re lonely. Just don’t use them.
You use a mop to clean the floor. You use a match to start a fire. You don’t use human beings to satisfy your own needs.
7. Find out who people actually are.
Go ahead; ask about their little sisters and whether they’re more afraid of spiders or snakes. There’s nothing wrong with learning more about people than the fact that they like Fireball whiskey and study engineering.
8. Have chivalry and respect in every way.
As the age-old saying goes, always treat others as you wish to be treated. No one deserves anything less than your utmost respect.
9. Stop playing with other people’s emotions.
If you know that you are dragging someone along for selfish reasons, put yourself in his or her shoes and do the decent thing. Just be honest.
10. Stop settling.
If you want that girl with the curly blonde hair and 4.0 who you hardly know, go for it. You aren’t beneath anyone or anything; you can have a dream and you are the largest obstacle standing in the way of it actually happening.
Stop feeling like you are limited to certain people; you’ll only grow to be unsatisfied with that limited group.
11. Don’t be afraid to be corny.
Just be you. If simple things like a “good morning” text or an impromptu smoothie date is how you want to show interest in someone, go for it. Be dorky and stop worrying about satisfying the status quo.
12. Take all of the physical aspects of your relationship slowly.
I know this one is difficult to grasp, but let’s be completely honest about the fact that intimacy complicates things. Why add one more complication before you can trust someone?
13. Don’t try to make someone jealous.
It will never lead the person to like you more. I’ll never understand why we seem to think that it’s a viable option in any situation.
14. Let go of any preconceived expectations you have for someone.
Trust me, you really have no idea what you want and dismissing people based upon your specific criteria could lead you to really miss out.
“People want to believe gender is something that’s essential, and people repeat these essentialist ideas all the time. “Oh, women do that” and “Oh, men do that” and the reality is that all women don’t anything. We as individuals do what we do, you know, and sometimes that’s informed by gender and sometimes it’s just who we are. And I think all that just makes people really, really uncomfortable because they don’t want to think about who they are.”—Laverne Cox (via jackdanielswife)
“Despite what you may have been taught, your sensitivity doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you too emotional, too soft, or in any way too much. It has always been and will always be a strength. The truth is that you can be soft and still be strong. You aren’t a rock, immune to the shift and pull of the world around you. You’re the ocean. Always ebbing and flowing; easily affected by the moon and the weather. But immense and deep. Resilient and powerful. Bounding with life. Yes, you feel things intensely and yes, you’re easily wounded by others. But it’s the intensity of your feelings that gives you such incredible insight into who you are and what you need to feel whole. It’s that intensity that makes you deeply connected to yourself and the world around you. And it’s your wounds that allow you to be empathetic and compassionate towards the wounds of others. Wounds that give you an awareness to recognize when people are hurting, and tools to offer support in ways that less sensitive people might not be able to. I know that it’s so hard to believe in the moment when you feel incapacitated by your feelings, but your sensitivity is a truly a gift. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise.”—Daniell Koepke (via internal-acceptance-movement)
“Assimilationists want nothing less than to construct the homosexual as normal - white, monogamous, wealthy, 2.5 children, SUVs with a white picket fence. This construction, of course, reproduces the stability of heterosexuality, whiteness, patriarchy, the gender binary, and capitalism itself. If we genuinely want to make ruins of this totality, we need to make a break. We don’t need inclusion into marriage, the military, and the state. We need to end them. No more gay politicians, CEOs, and cops. We need to swiftly and immediately articulate a wide gulf between the politics of assimilation and the struggle for liberation. We need to rediscover our riotous inheritance as queer anarchists. We need to destroy constructions of normalcy, and create instead a position based in our alienation from this normalcy, and one capable of dismantling it.”—
Indirect aggressive abuse: Name-calling is direct and obvious, but an underhanded way to make it much less obvious is to drop the angry tone of voice that usually accompanies it, and disguise the insult as teaching, helping, giving advice, or offering solutions. It appears to be a sincere attempt to help, but it’s actually an attempt to belittle, control and demean you.
Emotional manipulation, guilting, pushing people to their emotional boundaries without their consent, etc. is still emotional abuse even if you mean well and want good things for that person. You’re not their therapist and even if you were…that’s still unethical and horrendous. K thanks.
“Animal exploitation is all around us, and though few of us are actually willing to do violence to animals directly, a great many of us are willing to have that violence done for us.”—Bob Torres (via acti-veg)
“My philosophy is: It’s none of my business what people say of me, and think of me. I am what I am, and I do what I do. I expect nothing, and accept everything. And it makes life so much easier.”—Anthony Hopkins (via sorakeem)
The life of a Victim's Advocate; Consent is Sexy - Violence is Not
Consent is Sexy; that was the main catchphrase of the sexual health group I participated in in college. We were a ragtag team of health promotion, lgbt and women studies, african diaspora, anthropology and sociology students at the time who chose to become peer sexual health educators for our campus community. Our mission was to close the gap of knowledge about sti transmission and prevention techniques - not to spread information about how to attain higher levels of sexual pleasure - since, after all, one of these things is universal and the other is wholly subjective. We were lead by a bubbly, informative, attractive twenty something out bisexual female staff member who kept us on point and having fun throughout meetings and tabling events all year round.
I vaguely remember an adjunct but considerably slimmer special interest student group lead by a less dynamic staff member aimed at preventing sexual violence. Some of this is explicable by his less appealing personality and appearance I’m sure but most of the reason the sexual violence prevention group paled next to ours is probably the stigma of sexual violence.
Who wants to talk about THAT, anyways?
The truth is that the core of our campaign and his was essentially the same concept (hence our partnership) - the side of the looking glass was the only difference.
Consent is Sexy.
Rape, Incest, Sexual Abuse, Domestic Violence and other issues related to the robbing of an individual of their voice, power and consent are so unsexy, unfunny and unappealing - we don’t even enjoy discussing these issues for the sake of public awareness.
See evidence in the lack of people advocating against rape. It’s not that there weren’t students on that campus including ourselves that felt deeply about these issues, it’s just a hard thing to get people to face must less discuss these topics in an open forum.
Now that I’m a sexually active adult working in Domestic Violence I see both sides in a different light. I see from the kinky perspective how play rape, physical punishment and power exchange can be a turn on WHEN CONSENSUAL. I also see how actual rape, physical punishment and power exchange are the most nonconsensual and horrific things that will happen to many people in their entire lives. And I see how culture, sexuality, and silence have blurred the lines so badly that the expression CONSENT IS SEXY is hyper simplistic in it’s utterance…or even completely nonsensical in the context of lifelong abuse.
I wondered myself at one point before college; “What really constitutes consent?” When I was raped because he kept pressuring me so I said yes because I thought it would be unsafe to keep saying no. Was that consent? And who do you even ask questions like that? I now know that I was raped and that pressure does not equal consent and the people you ask include public health, rape crisis centers, support groups or even domestic violence agencies like mine.
No wonder a culture of silence accompanies a culture of violence and non consensual sex acts. If not embarrassment, minimization, self blame and enforced silence by the offender then systems phobia - inherent in the participation in a society itself which institutes corporal punishment, fails to rehabilitate sex offenders and devalues the voice of survivors - may deter one from seeking help. OR even the prohibitive complexity of navigating the institutions themselves which might theoretically assist you. Not to mention money, time, and other resources emotional or physical you may need to carry you through and out of a crisis. Last but not least - lack of knowledge of your options may prevent you from getting help. I could have used a rape kit, a pregnancy test, an sti screen, some counselling but I never got those things. I never knew they were there. I didn’t even know if I was “really” raped with and all this BS in the media about “legitimate rape” - can you really blame me?
Once again, I see it now from both sides. As a worker at a non profit we try to close this information gap; but with small work forces and meager funding the public awareness of our mere existence itself is so sparing as to prevent the vast majority of sufferers of violence - sexual and otherwise - from ever seeking help from us. The fact that we are even an OPTION is not well known. And like the LGBT Resource Center on campus where I spent most of my non matriculating collegiate hours - our existence is even marred by our own efforts to ensure the safety of those that would take advantage of our services. Since, after all - in both instances - over publicity of our services and existence may result in harassment of those benefiting most from them. No one merely comes to my office or even support groups so that our other program participants are safe. Everyone is screened.
I guess there’s no real punchline to anything I just said; since after all, my usually notorious sense of humor is fairly useless in any discussion of such an unfunny issue. But I still reflect back on the idea “Consent Is Sexy” in all of it’s myriad meanings. I think about how speaking up for yourself and saying what you want is sexy. I think about how sexy it is to know yourself well enough to say no, I don’t want that. I think about how clear, verbal self expression is powerful and meaningful and real. I think about how power is sexy to a lot of people, and how knowledge is power. And I think about all the ways people’s voices, bodies, consent, power, knowledge and meaning have been repeatedly stolen from them by lack of care, lack of awareness, by oppressors, by ignorance, by abusers, and by all of those dark, seedy incidences we really would rather not talk about.
And more and more…knowing what I know now working daily with survivors of abuse who battle society and culture itself to navigate their way out of abuse, I wonder. I wonder when you shy away from discussing these abuses; Who stole your voice? Who oppressed you? Who made the word “consent” blurry for you? Who or what made you afraid to speak? To ask? To question? To say “no,”? “No. This is not acceptable,”?
And when, for goodness sake - are you going to start talking again? Because your voice is damn sexy. And your voice is the vehicle of your consent. Don’t let culture march on without yours.