Diary Entries About My Ex - from October 2012
It’s funny looking back and realizing that you’re smarter and further along than you think you are in your personal development; the problem is that backsliding is sooo easy. I apologize in advance if some of it smacks of bitterness or even bigotry against Chrisitans - the things we say in our own internal dialogue in the aftermath of a breakup can be harsh.
My tarot cards seem to think that the way I should respond to you not loving me anymore is to revel and bask in my success. The universe basically said - you’re lucky to be beyond him. I wonder if it really works that way. That you need a certain person until you grow, and learn, and get strong enough not to anymore. That girl you’re with now, she needs those things I don’t need anymore. I am past that. I quite possibly need things she doesn’t at all…but at least I don’t need you. After all, the universe said it. I’m better off now without you.
My ex/roommate recently had a kind of tertiary petty dispute with a girl whose intentions he painted as sinister. Instead of assuming the best, working towards a solution that would please all parties, giving the benefit of the doubt, etc. he basically positioned himself and his girlfriend as the victim of some kind of manipulation and crime of this jealous girl who was until recently interested romantically in his girlfriend. It amazes me how spiritually, logically, and emotionally immature he was in handling it. Our enemies, real or imagined - are often our best gifts on our path to self actualization as they clarify what we stand for and beckon us to better ourselves in the face of turmoil and challenge. He remains convinced it seems that they are instead inconveniences, much like he considers my turbulent and passionate nature a burden - rather than as a call to adapt. At the same time, he has the gall to levy pop psychology bullshit accusations of me not accepting change. Change is my middle name you dumbass I’m a Taoist.
He is also surprisingly gossipy, materialistic and not to mention boring now that I see how he acts when left to his own devices. He is also immature enough to need constant counsel. It’s kind of exhausting.
It has me pretty much convinced never to date a christian again. They’re unromantically practical and lack a kind of mystical spiritual engagement with everyday life and a humble reverence for nature that I highly value - as they carry on the Judaic call to take dominion over the earth. He retorts violently when the suggestion is made that humans are merely animals in the same way as well - as if to ally or compare animals and humans is degrading - whereas I, in my naturalistic and pantheistic perspective am more likely to be flattered at having myself compared to a simple, spontaneous, unselfconscious thing such as an animal - despite the possible implications of “immorality”. We obviously naturally possess creativity and hypothetical reasoning to an extent that other animals don’t, but are still animals in that no matter how hard we philosophize or moralize life - the simplest of pleasures will never fail to capture our hearts.